Where Do I Belong?

I think my feelings can be summed with one expletive: Bullshit. I am constantly hearing from my boyfriend that I am one of the most important things in his life. The other being his 2-year-old daughter. However, I simply do not get that message by watching his actions.

First of all, our parenting styles are polar opposites. He’s much more the coddling “it’ll be ok” parent and I am the “get over it and do what needs to be done” parent. To this end, his daughter is completely incapable of doing anything for herself. I realize she’s 2 and there’s a limit on things she can do, but making the choice to sit back down on the couch when she’s released from her high chair or stand in the middle of the floor for an hour SHOULD be one of them. I should not have to tell her every single thing to do. If I move her on the couch and she winds up sitting at an angle, does she right herself so that she’s sitting up? No. She stays at a 45* angle until I sit her up straight. She will literally stay in whatever position she lands in until someone tells her to move.

Last night she came in from outside with her Dad, I told her to go play in her room. She went into her room and STOOD there, in the middle of the floor, not moving. So what does her Dad do? He goes into the room, gives her all sorts of nice sweet words and physically hands her something to play with! This kid has no mind of her own!!! She can’t even pick one of her own toys to play with. When I said something to him about it. I got hit with, “I don’t see a problem here.” Really? The child is a lump. She sits and watches tv all day long unless I tell her to get up and go play, and then she has no clue what to do. But you don’t see a problem? She’s a mindless drone incapable of making her own, most basic decisions. So, once again, I sit down and shut up. Telling myself, “she’s not my child. I have no say in the matter.”

The next example I have is the selfishness that goes on around here. I am constantly hearing him talk about all the things he wants to buy and when he’s going to buy them. Musical instruments, computer software, video games, stuff for his leather crafting hobby, etc. I do not have a job. I take care of his daughter during the day so that he doesn’t wind up paying his ex-wife, even more money than he already does, for daycare. Since I do not have a job, I have no spending money. I have no freedom to go out and buy the things I need, much less the things that I want that are frivolous. I have to wait until he gives me grocery money and then hope to have some left over so that I can buy myself things I need or want. I’m a grown woman in the 21st century. I should not have to ask “the man of the house” if I can have an allowance!! In fact, the only time I get anything is if I go on a rant…..similar to what I’m doing now. Though, he’ll probably never see this. Then he thinks he can make it all better by buying me some slippers I don’t need or a couple of candles. That’s not what I need. I need freedom. I need to be able to go to the store, see something I like or need and be able to buy it. Without having to explain it later. I need to know that the things that I need or want actually matter.

The last thing for today is my kids. I have 4 kids of my own ranging from the age of 16-10. None of my kids live with us since I am unable to support them financially. Because of this, my kids never seem to enter his “world view”. They simply do not exist unless I bring them up. Case in point, the house we would up buying, due to unforeseen circumstances, has 2 bedrooms. TWO FREAKING BEDROOMS!!! Please explain to me how my 4 children are supposed to feel comfortable and welcome in a house that has 2 bedrooms. There is no room for them. I can’t help but see this as a physical manifestation of how he feels about my kids. He says he knows that being with me is a “packaged deal”, but he proves otherwise by buying a house that has 2 bedrooms and no plan or resources to expand and make room for them. Granted, my kids aren’t here very often. So he is less likely to have to consider them on a daily basis. But the fact of the matter is they do exist and when they DO come here to visit, there is no place to put them. They are too old to have to share a single air mattress in the middle of the living room floor. They deserve privacy and a place of their own when they come here.

He says he wants to marry me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But how can I say “yes” to this man if everything he does is all about him and his daughter? There is no consideration for how I feel, or how my kids feel. I am unable to parent his daughter because anything I do is either reversed by her mother or coddled by him. He can find money to buy the things he wants, but can’t afford an engagement ring, a wedding, or a bigger house for our ENTIRE family. I guess that just shows that our “family” is really just him and the 2-year-old, and that he has no desire to follow through on his words anytime in the near future.

So here I sit, going to school online, so that I can take care of his daughter and maybe someday be able to support my kids…… on my own.